It's working, It's working!

So Faith drags out her potty again today, and I figure, great..more pee to mop off the floor. She never uses the potty instead she lurks away and pee's somewhere else. Today was gloriously different. She plops herself down on the potty and says " this potty not working! " I told her she has to work to get the pee in the potty so what she does is starts squeezing till she is red in the face contorting her little lips around and clenching her fists. I then explain to her she is going to hurt herself that way. a few seconds later she says " It's working, It's working, the potty works!" I am skeptical of course but to my surprise she actually went pee, I'm so excited for her! Actually excited for myself, I have been changing diapers every day for the last 13 years, and 126 days and If I could have one less in diapers it would be a miracle. Hopefully, cross your fingers we are on to something here.

Don't get mad, Get even!

I will always remember being a freshman in high school, I had a boy come over to hang out and my mom comes in with her slight southern drawl and says " I catch you messin around girl, and I'll hunt you down like a dog and shoot you in the dirt!" Nice, real nice. These days, when dealing with an unruly teenager most folks like to use the bargaining chips they have which usually consist of high tech gadgets, grounding, no phone etc.. However, I have found an even better method of punishment, personal, and social annihilation. Ooohh yeahhh! The situation is this, my daughter was refusing to adhere to the dress code for which I set forth not obeying modesty rules for clothing and makeup is not tolerable for me, so when I learned that Haley had been ditching homework club after school I decided desperate times call for desperate humiliating measures. Since the only responsible thing to do in this situation would be to personally escort my daughter to homework club, I decided to educate my daughter on the importance of appearance and more importantly how ones appearance reflects on others. So as you have noticed by the pictures I decided to dress in a way that emulates my daughter, I also used my daughters makeup as an added insult. I should be embarrassed about my appearance, but I am not. I sit here giddy with anticipation at escorting my daughter to homework club later today. I plan on swaggering in with a big wad of gum in my mouth. " heeeey whats up giiirllls, check me out! yeah you know it I am alllll thaaaaat. Don't hate congratulate whoop whoop!" I will be sure to chicken neck while I am at it. If my daughter wants to give me attitude and not obey the rules that's fine, but payback is a biiiitch!

uuhhh not quite what I meant..

So I have always had the same lackadaisical approach to potty training for all my girls, which is..here is a potty, if you want to use it great, if not..great. Well all of my girls just one day woke up and never wore diapers again its been a real dream. Faith on the other hand has been wildly different. For instance, we call Faith the bathroom valet, she insists on escorting people to the bathroom, she insists on dispensing properly meted out portions of toilet paper, and then also insists on flushing. So whats the big hold up?

The other day, I was delighted when, for no apparent reason Faith was asking me to get her potty from the garage. I go and get her fancy baby Bjorn potty and dust it off and to my amazement she seats herself on it for a good half an hour. I get myself all in a dither and get her some underwear to wear I can barely contain myself I am so giddy! only about 5 minutes later she comes to me completely soaked in her pants..her little pink crocs filled with urine..Perfect! just what I like, I mean its not a big deal these things happen. So, I clean her up and get her a new pair of underwear only 10 minutes she comes to me with them filled with you know what..pooh! I mean, what the heck! So I decide that delicate poop filled underwear extraction isn't in the cards for me, I grab a pair of scissors and cut them off her, This time I tell her to just use the potty for crying out loud! Only 5 minutes later, she is sitting on her potty using the pot as a top hat! It was at this point that diapers were called for and now the baby Bjorn is now used as a stepping stool, a t.v. viewing seat, and a polly pocket swimming pool...neat huh?

God made her extra cute for a reason.

"please god, don't let me pinch her head off. She only does it because she delights in mischief, she is not evil, but good and kind and you made her extra cute for a reason, But I also see why in nature some mothers eat their young"

I said this prayer to myself when I had simply had enough of Faith's hi-jinks, her whole life Faith has been quite a character. Everyone adores Faith, if I believed in fairies I would have to believe she was one. She makes everyone smile, and everyone always gravitates towards Faith and no ONE is immune to this child's charm....but today..oh today, I nearly clipped this Fairies wings. So, it is my habit to let faith accompany me to the mail box each day to collect the mail, most days she invokes minor annoyance with her endless dilly dallying. But today, its raining and the child heads right out the door and into the woods behind my house, which brought on panic because there is quite a big stream that runs through, So I have to clomp on through the mud and leaves to collect my heathen. I advised faith I was angry and to get in the house right now! I even managed to wear my "for reals this time, I am mad!" face. She ran right in the house and I could see clearly she understood I was angry, I go to walk in the door behind her only to nearly knock myself unconscious because the little darling had locked me out of the house. Well, Now I was pissed! When I finally got in the house I let faith know that she was naughty and was going to have a timeout. Just as soon as I got some bread out of the fridge in the garage. When I got the bread, again I was met with being locked in the garage this time. It was this time that I prayed to heavenly father that Faith's head remain intact. And so Faith got her first ever 1 swat on the bottom. It hurt her feelings for sure, she isn't used to being reprimanded after all being the golden child and all. As I was saying, God made her extra cute for a reason I am sure of it!

The thrill of the chase..The I heart Haley saga begins..

Well I knew this was coming, I knew it the first time I laid eyes on my girl Haley. She was going to be tall and pretty, people had long asked "what will you do when she is a teenager?" I would always answer smugly in reply, " I can't wait, I love the thrill of the chase!" And so now that Haley is 13 the thrill of the chase has indeed begun. The following is a wonderful tale of a game of cat and mouse, or I should say mice.

I went to the store Thursday night and when I return, at approximately 7:45 pm, I see my husband pacing in front of the house, I think this is fairly odd. He informs me that some kids "ding dong ditched" our house and were now running on the trail behind our house which only has 2 exit points. Aaahh I think this is it..this is the chase I was referring to. I hop back into the car and proceed to drive down to the first exit point. I was shocked to see not 1 or 2, but about 12 boys running up the path. I get out of the car and run towards them, they took one look at me and turned around the lot of them running away.

me: "yeah you better run JACKASSSES!"

I run back to the car and continue to the only place left for them to come out of, either they come out this way, or they go back and face my husband. I drive down to the end of the street and there they all are. At this point they give up and several of the boys figured they were caught and came forward to take their lumps.

me: "why would you guys do that? I have a sign posted that says DO NOT RING THE DOORBELL, You woke my kid up and now you have pissed me off, why would you do that?"

filthy little boy#1: "well, we thought Haley might like a little joke"

me: "well then I guess it would have been a lot more funnier if Haley were actually HOME."

filthy little boy#2 : " oh she isn't home?"

me: "uuhh noooo, why? have you got a crush on Haley?"

filthy little boys #1-5: "no!"

Filthy little boys #6-12: "yes!"

it's at this point that I vomit a little in my mouth.

Me: "well listen dudes, if you're going to do crap like that then you had better make damn sure you are both faster AND smarter than ME!"

I then pull away, leaving these little vermin to stand there staring like deer in headlights. Tee Hee! I am accomplishing my mission to earn a reputation of "Haley's psycho mother"

Team Ghetto Momma: 1 Team Vermin: 0

I heart Payge chronicles and lets add a rancid ham too.

UGH! so anyway, I'm sitting on my back patio Thursday morning, minding my OWN business watching faith play, when Kit Kat (our cat) goes streaking by with a chipmunk..let me pause there and just say that if ever there were a time where I could go back in time this would be it. Anyway, I of course go snatch the chipmunk from the hairy jaws of death and also I snatch up Kit Kat who is now desperately tyring to retrieve her trophy, so here I am with a cat in one fist and a friggen chipmunk in the other, and faith just staring at me like I have finally lost it. I throw the cat in the house and I place the chipmunk (whom I'm sure is ever so thankful of its dramatic rescue) on the edge of the lawn next to the woods and figure it a good deed done..not so much. fast forward to me standing out in front of the house waiting for the girls to get home from school when I spy Kit Kat batting at something on the side of the house, I felt bile in my mouth I mean what does this confounded cat have now?? its always a mouse, chipmunk, birds. shrews, and even several baby bunnies. Don't worry I am taking her in to be evaluated because obviously some rif raf neighborhood cat has obviously gotten her involved in some kind of psychotic satanic ritualistic killings. So I was indeed surprised to see that it was the same darn chipmunk, I figured it must be injured and then I get the bright idea about what a wonderful way to teach the kids about nature, kindness blah..blah...blah. So I confiscate the goods once again and put it in a plastic bin with a heavy duty lid, we feed it, put all the things that chipmunks need to be happy, I realized quickly what a dreadful mistake I had made as I soon discovered the extent of this poor creatures injuries by this time the chipmunk had acquired the name of "I heart payge" for my beloved friend's daughter whom I adore. I heart payge could only run frantically in a circle, it would run and run all in a small circle until it got dizzy and fell on its side and kicked her little tiny paws, charming eh? I kept a vigil thinking I was saving this poor thing all weekend long, faithfully cleaned out her bin twice daily, put her in the empty kiddie pool to see how she was, let her wash up get exercise (albeit in a circle) and then today happened. I suddenly was sick of this stinky little rodent, I had nothing but hatred for this thing..so I lock up the cats and once again place I heart Payge by the woods and forget about it. I go put a nice ham in the crock pot and enjoy the liberation I feel to be free of a special needs rodent. The cats were kept in all day until dinner time I let them out, right about the same time I start to smell a putrid, horrible smell that rivaled a dirty diaper that faith once stuffed under the bathroom sink (for weeks) I realize that my wonderful, tatsty ham was rancid! this is what I get for trying to look out for god's creatures although I realize that's a bit of an oxymoron considering I was fixing to eat one of god's creatures. Anyway since I had nothing else besides 50 cans of tomato soup (shudder) I fed the kids cookie crisp cereal..not my finest moment but any mother who says she hasn't fed her kids cereal for dinner is a bold face LIAR! So I go to take the crock pot with the rancid ham out to the backyard, its like the groundhog day movie except with a chipmunk, so Kit Kat once again goes streaking by with the hapless rodent and once again I am forced to intervene this time because of the faces of my horrified girls in the window with cookie crisp dribbling out of their shocked little mouths. So now here I am again as I type this with I heart payge still hanging on. I have decided to do the right, and sensible thing and take it to the magnus tree farm and set it free, that way I don't have to watch it die on my lawn. And I can honestly say I will never mess with nature again...EVER!

Be careful what you ask for!

All day long today starting at 6:30 am, I was hit repeatedly with a barrage of questions from Camryn, my 5 year old. Such as..

Camryn: "Is it time for me to get dressed to go meet my teacher?"

Me: "No, not until after lunch"

Camryn: "can I bring my teacher a present?"

Me: "no, maybe an apple on the first day"

Camryn : "is it time to get dressed yet?"

me: "not until after lunch"

Camryn: "can you make lunch then?"

Me: "no, its only 8:42 am"..and so on it went like that.

As Camryn and I walked to the school, her backpack larger than she is just about. She was so excited, my feet suddenly became much heavier than usual, you see, her older sisters, morgan, molly and kaitlyn didn't want me to come to their classes this year on the first day, I acknowledged their need to feel like big girls but really my crusty blackened heart was breaking, which prompted me to pray silently while walking to the school it went like this:

"please god, don't let camryn push me out too please let her goodbye hug linger, let her grip be just a little tight, and please if you can manage squeeze a tear or two that would be good too."

We get into the classroom and Camryn whom practised exactly what she wanted to say to the teacher suddenly became oddly mute..um ok..a little shy not usually cam's thing but ok its possible..we proceed to unload all the supplies and she gets right to cutting the bear and gluing it together, I survey the room pleased to see that camryn cuts, and writes her name better than at least half the class. Well this is it..the moment I dreaded for weeks..This is where she tells me to get lost and that I'M cramping her style..Instead she goes into total melt down mode, and when Camryn throws a tantrum she is committed there is no talking her out of it, the teacher told me to just leave..I was embarrassed at the tissy she was causing, and my heart broken that she thought I was abandoning her. All the way across the school that little girls screams could be heard, and so they (and I mean they, it took two apparently) to take her to the office after she slapped the teacher where she wedged herself in between a bookshelf and a wall and cried and refused to come out. I was MORTIFIED!

"please God, I know what I asked for, but please let her stop..let her go back and sit in her seat I will do anything, God! For instance, I will stop flipping people off in traffic, I wont make fun of people anymore, just please..please make her stop crying!"

so needless to say I with a very bleary eyed Camryn drudged on home early. I, not knowing what to say, Camryn informed me however, that she will not be returning to school, she hates her teacher and will be staying home eating donuts with me. ( I don't know where the donut thing came from, like I sit around eating donuts...) Any suggestions ladies?? This has never happened to me before. And good luck to the rest of you!