The thrill of the chase..The I heart Haley saga begins..

Well I knew this was coming, I knew it the first time I laid eyes on my girl Haley. She was going to be tall and pretty, people had long asked "what will you do when she is a teenager?" I would always answer smugly in reply, " I can't wait, I love the thrill of the chase!" And so now that Haley is 13 the thrill of the chase has indeed begun. The following is a wonderful tale of a game of cat and mouse, or I should say mice.

I went to the store Thursday night and when I return, at approximately 7:45 pm, I see my husband pacing in front of the house, I think this is fairly odd. He informs me that some kids "ding dong ditched" our house and were now running on the trail behind our house which only has 2 exit points. Aaahh I think this is it..this is the chase I was referring to. I hop back into the car and proceed to drive down to the first exit point. I was shocked to see not 1 or 2, but about 12 boys running up the path. I get out of the car and run towards them, they took one look at me and turned around the lot of them running away.

me: "yeah you better run JACKASSSES!"

I run back to the car and continue to the only place left for them to come out of, either they come out this way, or they go back and face my husband. I drive down to the end of the street and there they all are. At this point they give up and several of the boys figured they were caught and came forward to take their lumps.

me: "why would you guys do that? I have a sign posted that says DO NOT RING THE DOORBELL, You woke my kid up and now you have pissed me off, why would you do that?"

filthy little boy#1: "well, we thought Haley might like a little joke"

me: "well then I guess it would have been a lot more funnier if Haley were actually HOME."

filthy little boy#2 : " oh she isn't home?"

me: "uuhh noooo, why? have you got a crush on Haley?"

filthy little boys #1-5: "no!"

Filthy little boys #6-12: "yes!"

it's at this point that I vomit a little in my mouth.

Me: "well listen dudes, if you're going to do crap like that then you had better make damn sure you are both faster AND smarter than ME!"

I then pull away, leaving these little vermin to stand there staring like deer in headlights. Tee Hee! I am accomplishing my mission to earn a reputation of "Haley's psycho mother"

Team Ghetto Momma: 1 Team Vermin: 0

I heart Payge chronicles and lets add a rancid ham too.

UGH! so anyway, I'm sitting on my back patio Thursday morning, minding my OWN business watching faith play, when Kit Kat (our cat) goes streaking by with a chipmunk..let me pause there and just say that if ever there were a time where I could go back in time this would be it. Anyway, I of course go snatch the chipmunk from the hairy jaws of death and also I snatch up Kit Kat who is now desperately tyring to retrieve her trophy, so here I am with a cat in one fist and a friggen chipmunk in the other, and faith just staring at me like I have finally lost it. I throw the cat in the house and I place the chipmunk (whom I'm sure is ever so thankful of its dramatic rescue) on the edge of the lawn next to the woods and figure it a good deed done..not so much. fast forward to me standing out in front of the house waiting for the girls to get home from school when I spy Kit Kat batting at something on the side of the house, I felt bile in my mouth I mean what does this confounded cat have now?? its always a mouse, chipmunk, birds. shrews, and even several baby bunnies. Don't worry I am taking her in to be evaluated because obviously some rif raf neighborhood cat has obviously gotten her involved in some kind of psychotic satanic ritualistic killings. So I was indeed surprised to see that it was the same darn chipmunk, I figured it must be injured and then I get the bright idea about what a wonderful way to teach the kids about nature, kindness blah..blah...blah. So I confiscate the goods once again and put it in a plastic bin with a heavy duty lid, we feed it, put all the things that chipmunks need to be happy, I realized quickly what a dreadful mistake I had made as I soon discovered the extent of this poor creatures injuries by this time the chipmunk had acquired the name of "I heart payge" for my beloved friend's daughter whom I adore. I heart payge could only run frantically in a circle, it would run and run all in a small circle until it got dizzy and fell on its side and kicked her little tiny paws, charming eh? I kept a vigil thinking I was saving this poor thing all weekend long, faithfully cleaned out her bin twice daily, put her in the empty kiddie pool to see how she was, let her wash up get exercise (albeit in a circle) and then today happened. I suddenly was sick of this stinky little rodent, I had nothing but hatred for this thing..so I lock up the cats and once again place I heart Payge by the woods and forget about it. I go put a nice ham in the crock pot and enjoy the liberation I feel to be free of a special needs rodent. The cats were kept in all day until dinner time I let them out, right about the same time I start to smell a putrid, horrible smell that rivaled a dirty diaper that faith once stuffed under the bathroom sink (for weeks) I realize that my wonderful, tatsty ham was rancid! this is what I get for trying to look out for god's creatures although I realize that's a bit of an oxymoron considering I was fixing to eat one of god's creatures. Anyway since I had nothing else besides 50 cans of tomato soup (shudder) I fed the kids cookie crisp cereal..not my finest moment but any mother who says she hasn't fed her kids cereal for dinner is a bold face LIAR! So I go to take the crock pot with the rancid ham out to the backyard, its like the groundhog day movie except with a chipmunk, so Kit Kat once again goes streaking by with the hapless rodent and once again I am forced to intervene this time because of the faces of my horrified girls in the window with cookie crisp dribbling out of their shocked little mouths. So now here I am again as I type this with I heart payge still hanging on. I have decided to do the right, and sensible thing and take it to the magnus tree farm and set it free, that way I don't have to watch it die on my lawn. And I can honestly say I will never mess with nature again...EVER!

Be careful what you ask for!

All day long today starting at 6:30 am, I was hit repeatedly with a barrage of questions from Camryn, my 5 year old. Such as..

Camryn: "Is it time for me to get dressed to go meet my teacher?"

Me: "No, not until after lunch"

Camryn: "can I bring my teacher a present?"

Me: "no, maybe an apple on the first day"

Camryn : "is it time to get dressed yet?"

me: "not until after lunch"

Camryn: "can you make lunch then?"

Me: "no, its only 8:42 am"..and so on it went like that.

As Camryn and I walked to the school, her backpack larger than she is just about. She was so excited, my feet suddenly became much heavier than usual, you see, her older sisters, morgan, molly and kaitlyn didn't want me to come to their classes this year on the first day, I acknowledged their need to feel like big girls but really my crusty blackened heart was breaking, which prompted me to pray silently while walking to the school it went like this:

"please god, don't let camryn push me out too please let her goodbye hug linger, let her grip be just a little tight, and please if you can manage squeeze a tear or two that would be good too."

We get into the classroom and Camryn whom practised exactly what she wanted to say to the teacher suddenly became oddly mute..um ok..a little shy not usually cam's thing but ok its possible..we proceed to unload all the supplies and she gets right to cutting the bear and gluing it together, I survey the room pleased to see that camryn cuts, and writes her name better than at least half the class. Well this is it..the moment I dreaded for weeks..This is where she tells me to get lost and that I'M cramping her style..Instead she goes into total melt down mode, and when Camryn throws a tantrum she is committed there is no talking her out of it, the teacher told me to just leave..I was embarrassed at the tissy she was causing, and my heart broken that she thought I was abandoning her. All the way across the school that little girls screams could be heard, and so they (and I mean they, it took two apparently) to take her to the office after she slapped the teacher where she wedged herself in between a bookshelf and a wall and cried and refused to come out. I was MORTIFIED!

"please God, I know what I asked for, but please let her stop..let her go back and sit in her seat I will do anything, God! For instance, I will stop flipping people off in traffic, I wont make fun of people anymore, just please..please make her stop crying!"

so needless to say I with a very bleary eyed Camryn drudged on home early. I, not knowing what to say, Camryn informed me however, that she will not be returning to school, she hates her teacher and will be staying home eating donuts with me. ( I don't know where the donut thing came from, like I sit around eating donuts...) Any suggestions ladies?? This has never happened to me before. And good luck to the rest of you!