My Father

My father, say you love me
My father, say you care
My father, you made my temper flare
My father, you made me cry
My father, I never wanted to say good bye
My father, you make me sigh
My father, have I not put you on high?
You love me
You hate me
Which is it? ? ?
I want a hug I want to feel that your near
Your voice I want to hear
Father, your message isn't all that clear

Today it rained

This morning it rained, my children still in bed.
Thoughts of sorrow fill my head.
lord, I stood there in the rain,
my face turned toward you my heart filled with pain.
I placed my hands above,
please God, Fill me with your love.
I let the cold run down my face,
for your grace my soul finds a place.

forgiveness

In this place of my forgiveness Here my soul has found a home In this hour of my deliverance No enemies I own
In this place of my forgiveness I shall ride the Glory Train I am eager, ever waiting I shall be at peace again
Take these chains I've forged in anger Let them bind no more again Take this darkness it doth blind me Let kindness now begin
Mighty is the sword of vengeance Justly must its might prevail Infinite is God's own mercy When my mercy fails
Fear, I shall not give you refuge For you would rob me of my sight You would leave my soul to anguish In eternal night
In this place of my forgiveness Here my soul has found a home In this hour of my deliverance His Kingdom shall I own

Descent into madness: A tale of post-partum

It would appear that I have a mild case of post partum depression. I say mild because I was also afflicted with this after my 4th daughter and very narrowly survived the ordeal but not before my husband and I both lost our jobs, needless to say it was some very dark times. What never ceases to amaze me about this disease is that your are seemingly fine one minute and a homicidal maniac the next. Below is a prime example. The scene is I just get on the phone with my mother with whom I have not spoken to for a couple weeks. The temperature is nearing 100. At this time I wish to thank heavenly father for Central air. Anyway here is the story.

me: "Hi mom, you called?" Kaitlyn comes running in with friend.

Kaitlyn: "Mom! There is two solicitations at the door." Solicitations?? This can't be good.

me: "ugh gimme a break" I walk to the front door which these two lug heads are now fanning and letting in the hot air.

me: "are you two selling something? Because I'm busy"

solicitor #1: "well we can wait for you to finish your phone call"

me: "OK, well I'm busy but thanks anyway"

Solicitor #1: "well we need to tell you about this and what all your neighbors aye saying"

me: "I could care less about what my neighbors are saying, I am busy" at this point I'm still relatively calm

solicitor #1: "well just finish your call, we'll wait" And then it happened, out of nowhere I totally lost it.

me: "I SAID I'M EFFING BUSY!! GO AWAY!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? TAKE AN EFFING HINT!" And then I slammed the door but not before I caught a glimpse of Kaitlyn and friend's astonished faces. Crimony! Why is there ALWAYS a witness to my bad behavior?

me: "sorry ladies that was a bit of a slip on my behalf, never act like me!! never!"

What is with these solicitors? Do they have a death wish. Pay attention you nasty bottom feeders, I don't want a demonstration of your crappy Kirby vacuum, NO I would not like to see how amazing your miracle cleaner is, and NO i wont purchase your magazines so that you may go to college, I didn't go to college and look how FINE and PROSPEROUS I am!

It makes your butt look big because it IS

Ok, so Im sitting in relief society on Sunday..in the back by myself as usual feeling like a loser because no one ever sits by me, or talks to me for that matter, yes its a two way street blah..blah..all I can hope for at this moment is that grace wakes up and starts howling thus making it necessary for me to leave is it ok to purposely pinch babies in order to get up? Anyway Polly mentions an exercise class on Mondays and Wednesdays and I think that might be cool I used to love going to the ymca to workout, but that was before when I had a job and since I have down syndrome and cant find regular employment, I cannot afford YMCA. So I think this will be perfect and since my wardrobe is mainly compiled of workout outfits I can show up in style. So imagine my glee to go home and pull out all my fancy outfits and systematically try them on. Only to find that the outfits have a severe design flaw, they all make my butt look big, and some even accentuate the cellulite. How can this be?? How have I not noticed this. So clearly I had to lose weight so I can fit the outfits, but how to do you lose weight if you cant wear the outfits? So I have to find away to lose weight to be small enough to wear the outfits so I can wear them to lose weight? Obviously I need to go ponder my dilemma which I will do so while eating another sundae nut cone.

Will work for food...

So I went to a job interview yesterday, and I concluded that Its been longer than I thought since I last worked a real job, or interviewed for one for that matter. I should have known it wasn't going to go very well when I couldn't find my other shoe, thus forcing me to wear heels and of course I'm one of those people that when they wear heels clomps around in them like a transvestite. I show up for the interview and things seem to go OK until she asks me if i could pass a typing test..uh oh..it went something like this :

her: "Could you pass a typing test and achieve at least 30 wpm?"

me: " um well I failed two semesters of typing in high school, but not to worry I believe I type at least 50 wpm, I am a very fast hunt and pecker"

Oh crap, I think you should prolly refrain from ever using the word "pecker" in a job interview.

me: " I probably shouldn't say the word pecker in an interview" crimony..I made things worse I think.

her: " You are very charming"

oh dear she called me charming, in a way that someone would tell a person that has down syndrome "charming"

me: "You think I have down syndrome, don't you?" Oh man why do I keep blurting out inappropriate things..whats wrong with me?!?

her: "no, you're very funny"

me: "yeah I get that alot"

So, then she says that she would like to get a copy of my resume emailed to her so she has one in the system in addition to the hard copy I gave her, she hands me her business card. I rush home thinking oohh yeahhh im going to impress her alright I will email that resume right now and really show her how on top things I am. I email her and thank her again for her time, and consideration oh and here is the copy of my resume you requested. 24 minutes later, to my delight she sends and email back. oh goodie! I think, I bet she was impressed! the email is as follows.

"hello Magan, it looks like you forgot to attache a copy of your resume, could you send it again? Thanks, Amy" Of course I didn't attache the resume, I have down syndrome. I guess its back to the drawing board for me. Good one Megster....real good.